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What Happened? 

When did I stop living my life and go into pure survival? Was it when I nearly died—not once but twice—in a 10 month period? Did I just STOP? 

I’m miserable. I can blame her, or I can blame the one before her, but aren’t I in charge of “unmiserablizing” myself? Do I care SO little about myself that I just QUIT? 

Yes. I just stopped. I quit. What happened?? 😳

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I Only Come Here When I’m Angry. 

I hate one of my kids right now. I have 3 but 2 of them are a constant source of my pain, annoyance, fears, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, and sadness. They are ungrateful for anything and everything I’ve ever given to them. Be it material, emotional, physical, educational or other things—they’re assholes!! No really!! 

I have apologized, begged, pleaded, etc. with all of them over their real and totally     imagined upbringing. Can there be 4 people in a situation and 3 agree and 1 differs on what they just saw?? Bastards!! Anyways, I hate being a mother. 😳

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WTF Was I thinking? 

I wasn’t. Thinking that is. I called my fucking ex. There was a big issue going on with my daughter and her partner. Our (my ex & mine) granddaughter was basically keeping a low profile in her bedroom. She listened to music through her earphones. She watched the Grammys via Snapchat. She didn’t need to see or hear what was going on outside of her safe place. 

So, I texted my ex. The one that left me for someone else. The ex that now lives happily ever after in a home that they bought–together!!  So, I make contact VERY little anymore. I might email a joke or other nonsense, but that’s the extent of it. I stopped running after my ex when I realized ANY running was even involved!! I just live my miserable life, and secretly want to stab the both of those fucks!! 

Anyways… My text said “Are you available?” A few minutes later I get a text that says “I am now.” (WTF is that supposed to mean?) I said “Can you call?” I waited and waited and waited. Not a fucking thing!! I wrote back “Nevermind. It wasn’t about me. It was about the kids. I’ll figure it out. Thanks!” THANKS!?!?!?!  WTF?? Why would I say THANKS?? GEZUSSSSS!! 

Of course I got nothing back. I have since contemplated a double homicide. I HATE that those two cheating bastards have a life with no kids, great jobs, new cars, a home they own, and huge families that love them. They have everything that “we” should have had but didn’t. 

So, my granddaughter was rescued. My daughter and her partner got their shit together albeit temporary, and I sit here thinking what a HUGE idiot I was to reach out!! Live and learn. (Die in hell mother fuckers!!) LOL

 

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Is Happiness Even Possible? 

I’m working–for the next 3 weeks–in a place that is a paradise to me. It’s a few blocks from a lake, it’s in the  mountains where there are lots of beautiful trees, and the weather is PERFECT!! This is my ideal situation. (Ok, well almost. There are no Dunkin Donuts anywhere nearby!) So why am I not happy? Where is my contentment?? 

I’ve wondered for the past few years if I’m EVEN capable of being happy. Sure, I laugh, make jokes, hang out with friends and family, etc., but I it’s all a facade. Playing a roll. Going along with the “norms!” I know this for a fact because every so often, I feel happy and content.

 It lasts about 3 minutes, this happiness of mine. It’s something I noticed happening a few years ago. Out of nowhere, I feel a weird sense of completeness. I told my ex it feels something like this:you know when you–or someone else–is making a repetive movement or sound, and then all of a sudden it stops, and you become very aware that it HAS stopped. It just feels different. That’s how happiness comes to me. I stroll along in life miserable, then I get that moment where everything stops. I have happiness and contentment. I feel it, I acknowledge it, but then the feeling goes away. BUT WHY?? 
I am destined to be miserable? I’m too fucking old think things will change this far into the game. So, maybe the whole thing is just some cosmic fluke. Maybe it’s a gift from the Universe, or even the baby Buddha. That little tiny moment of luxury. Maybe it’s what keeps me going, when long ago I’d just stopped. Perhaps it’s a lifeline. I’m thankful for it. It lets me know I am alive. I am attached to the earth. I do feel.  

 

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Thank You My Friend

Thank you for listening to the same bullshit every time I write on this blog. Thank you for being the ONLY friend I can be totally 100% honest with, without fear of judgement! Thank you my friend!! 

I watched a documentary about the Tsunami that killed over 300,000 people back in 2004 (I think?) When I started writing this post, I remembered watching those people enjoying their day. All of a sudden the wave hit the city/town/village where they were, and everything changed. Once the water receded, a lot of people went out to the beach to see how the water had disappeared off the beach, and leaving boats 100’s of feet away from water. All of a sudden the water came back. No warning–surprise attack–killing so many that stood there thinking the worst was over. It wasn’t. Having cheated death the first go round, they would not be so lucky this time. 

My relationship is a fucking tsunami! I feel safe enough to get close once again. Then within a short time all the water comes back and covers me, making me feel out of control, lifeless, stupid, etc.! I KNOW BETTER! 

I have seen the movies. I have watched others. I have lived it. It NEVER STAYS BETTER!! It only recedes to give you a break. A moment in the sun where you feel warm and safe. It’s all an illusion. The water will come back again and again until I am battered down to nothing but sand on the shore. What kind of fucking life is that??? 

I want out! Please care enough to give me the strength to take care of what I need to do in order to be free. I don’t want this for my life.